I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
