there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
