so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
