I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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