The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
