I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
pop tarts are not kleenex
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
