U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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