I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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