I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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