I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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