My hand turned me down
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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