sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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