I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
