the condom got lost in my hair
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
