remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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