You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
