i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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