my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
