as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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