she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
