9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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