WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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