My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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