I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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