i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
