If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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