dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
