Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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