Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
