well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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