dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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