There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
