Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
