In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
