mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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