My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
