Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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