You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
