I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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