now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize