I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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