I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
