you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
