Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just tell him i said nine months
Barsexuality is the new black.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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