My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
there is glitter all over my balls
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