ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
