i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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