The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
