Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
