so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
