A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
