it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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