Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Success! We fucked roommates!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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