i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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