Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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