i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
