Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
farters have to be the big spoon...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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