i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
