I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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