Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
